Ahead of Great Britain lie countries with a fairly unimpressive pedigree. New Zealand check in at number 40, with household names Artem Sitak and Michael Venus leading them to a narrow defeat to Uzbekistan last time out. Peruvians Ivan Miranda and Mauricio Echazu are both outside the top 400 in the world, but a 5-0 win over Netherland Antilles means they sit at 41. We are at least ahead of the Dominican Republic and tennis powerhouse Monaco. Lets look at how we got into this mess:
AUSTRIA DEBACLE
In September 2008, Great Britain took on Austria for a place in the world group. Austria's top player was Jurgen Melzer but beyond that they lacked strength in depth. However, in this post-Henman and Rusedksi world, GB were in an even worse position. Andy Murray did what was expected, notching up two victories. Alex Bogdanovic looked half decent for spells but was not good enough to beat either Melzer or Peya (who was higher ranked than him). The match hinged on the doubles, and despite a team of Jamie Murray and Ross Hutchins looking good on paper, Melzer gave an early indication of what success lay ahead for him on the doubles circuit by teaming up with Julien Knowles to hammer them in straight sets. GB were down to Europe/Africa Group 1.
Particularly Inept: As a result of failing to beat two players higher ranked than him, Alex Bogdanovic was dropped from the Davis Cup squad. The logic behind this is enough to make your head explode. It is not Bogdanovics fault he is British number 2, rather than number 15 or so had he been Alexo Bogdanovico from Spain. However, Captain John Lloyd was confident that his plan of sending out an even worse player would pay off.
UKRAINE DEBACLE
GB could have secured an instant return to the World Group playoffs as they took on Ukraine at Braehead. At the start of the week, Andy Murray pulled out as he realised the effort of winning two matches only to lose overall was not for him. A team including Josh Goodall and Chris Eaton was swept aside by a team that, while containing no superstars, did at least include two players in the top 100. That was enough to secure a quick 3-0 lead, although Chris Eaton did win one of the dead rubbers, beating Marchenko, who controversially chose to play while sitting on a chair and reading a book he was desperate to get finished.
Particularly Inept: In a staggering dereliction of duties, John Lloyd decided that rather than do the one job he was required to do in role of captain, that of picking the team, he would instead host a Davis Cup play off. Six players were forced to play off at Roehampton for the joys of being criticised for losing to better players in the match itself. James Ward and Chris Eaton contested what was then the worlds longest tennis match, while John Lloyd presumably lit Cigars with £50 notes at the side of the court.
POLAND DEBACLE
Poland had little in the way of singles talent, but none of that mattered as they had a top ten doubles pairing. Presuming both their players could beat GB number two (Dan Evans this time), then they would win 3-2. Despite Murray being injured, he comfortably beat the Polish players, while the doubles went to Poland. However, Dan Evans never came close against two players ranked outside the top 150, and Great Britain lost again. Andy Murray was out of action for a few weeks after aggravating his injury, and decided it really wasn't worth the effort.
Particularly Inept: One area where Britain is reasonable is doubles. Ross Hutchins, Colin Fleming and Jamie Murray were all either top 100 or heading there. Jamie Murray was left out altogether, and Fleming was picked and didn't play. Instead Andy Murray was forced to play doubles despite an injured wrist. The others may also have lost, but as doubles specialists had about as much chance as Andy. John Lloyd risked the singles career of our only competent player when we had plenty of doubles specialists available.
LITHUANIA DEBACLE
At this stage, we had dropped so low we eventually had to reach a stage where 300 ranked odd players might actually get a few victories. Welcome to Group 2 of Europe/Africa, reserved almost entirely for countries where tennis is not actually a sport, and the chances are if you can hold a racquet you are in the team. Lithuania had a player, Richard Berankis was 198 odd in the world, Laurynas Grigelis at about 518. Terrible, terrible players. Grigelis doesn't even have a Wikipedia page. Obviously Andy Murray wanted to play, but he had agreed to walk the dog that night and didn't want to tell his girlfriend to do it at such short notice.
The doubles team of Fleming and Skupski won, so we just needed Dan Evans to beat a player ranked 200 places below him and without a Wikipedia page. He lost in 5 sets. To a player ranked 200 places below him. From a country who's entire tennis budget was only £90,000.
Particularly Inept: This result was so inept that really the LTA should have been disbanded and everybody involved rounded up and fired, out of a cannon, into the sun. John Lloyd was only fired. The LTA spend five times more on lunches than the Lithuania Tennis Association spend in total.
In a happy ending, Great Britain finally sank so low that they could win a match. They beat Turkey 4-1. Turkey included a player who was actually just a college student and who didn't have a world ranking. Seriously. That is actually the level we reached.
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